The restaurant manager who speaks with poise and grace to the patron
complaining loudly about the wait service. The levelheaded friend you
call in your greatest times of need. The compassionate but composed
rescue worker who aids victims after a natural catastrophe. The partner
who angers rarely, forgives easily, and assumes accountability for their
actions. The successful CEO who balances her profession, her family
responsibilities, and her personal hobbies with equal measures of calm
and confidence.
What do these people have in common?
In two words: Emotional Intelligence. A relatively new trend in the
realm of pop culture and psychology today, Emotional Intelligence — or
EQ — has existed since the beginning of time. According to
Psychology Today,
the preeminent site for mental health education and information,
Emotional Intelligence is defined as an aptitude for identifying and
managing emotions, and the emotions of
others.
It consists of three primary skills: the ability to analyze interior
emotions and the feelings of those around them, the capacity to apply
emotions to tasks, and the facility to take control of emotions —
whether it’s managing their own before they veer out of control, or
having the strength and capability to make another person smile, settle
down, or handle a situation appropriately.
Those with high Emotional “IQs” have been proven to enjoy more
prosperity in life. Whether they’re in a social or professional
environment, they thrive. Studies demonstrate they have fewer mental
health issues, including depression and anxiety. Their personal lives
aren’t train wrecks, precisely because they’re lived from the point of
thoughtful — and meaningful — decisions. They outperform others, excel
at their jobs, are happy in their relationships, and consistently work
towards attaining positive results in all aspects of life. So, the
question is, what don’t they do?
Here are 7 things emotionally intelligent people, as a rule, avoid:
1. They don’t get caught up in other people’s drama.
One of the hallmarks of Emotional Intelligence is empathy, and those
with high EQs extend it to everyone they cross. But there’s an enormous
difference between displaying empathy towards a friend or loved one and
allowing another person’s rage or misery to incense, dominate, or merely
influence one’s well-being. Think of the histrionic behavior of your
co-worker who is “distraught” not because she’s going through a break-up
but because her friend is. Or that cousin of yours who, instead of
focusing on her individual personal crises, purposefully seeks out
people who are distressed so that her problems disappear via distraction
— a habit so ingrained she can’t seem to address her the complications
in her own life.
Emotionally intelligent people, on the other hand, listen carefully,
provide gentle, loving, but authoritative advice, and offer assistance.
But they don’t permit others’ lives and reactions to rule their own.
2. They don’t complain.
Whining and grumbling implies two things — one, that we are victims,
and two, there are no solutions to our problems. Rarely does an
emotionally intelligent person feel victimized, and even more
infrequently does an emotionally intelligent person feel that a solution
is beyond their grasp. Instead of looking for someone or something to
blame, they immediately think of how to constructively address the
dilemma. They also know that their complaints influence the emotional
responses of those around them, and instead search for ways to bemoan
the dissolution of a relationship or a disappointment with a friend in
private, effective ways — whether it’s taking a yoga class, meditating
alone at a park, or simply getting their feelings out on the page.
3. They don’t always say yes — to others and themselves.
Like empathy, self-control and conviction are sure signs of an
emotionally solid person. Emotionally intelligent people are well-aware
that a second glass of wine will lead to negative consequences the next
morning, just as they know that an invitation to go on a spontaneous
weekend rendezvous will detract them from fulfilling their preexisting
commitments. They are definitive about their decisions, rather than
saying “I don’t know, maybe?” or “Perhaps I’ll skip the gym today,”
which invites doubt — and with that, heightened anxiety, even
depression.
The more often emotionally intelligent people exercise their right to
say no, and the more frequently they rely on their willpower, the freer
they are to concentrate on their ambitions and overall well-being.
4. They don’t gossip.
Emotionally acute people sidestep gossip as determinedly as they
skirt drama. To involve themselves in scandalous talk, they know, is to
shame another for a supposed error — and an emotionally intelligent
person understands that all humans are equally deserving, and that what
others might perceive as a mistake is an opportunity for improvement.
5. They don’t count on others for happiness or confidence.
Emotionally intelligent people are self-sufficient in all manners of
life, including their contentment and peace of mind. They have learned
that to bank on someone else making them feel joyful or worthy is to put
themselves at risk for disappointment and hopelessness. Rather, they
take their emotions in their own hands and find hobbies that delight
them, strive for achievements that will lead to a sense of self-worth,
and search within for love and acceptance.
6. They don’t engage in negative self-talk.
While few of us are entirely immune to thinking (or saying)
pessimistic statements that begin with “I” (“I’m unattractive,” “I
should have done better,” “I’m pathetic”), emotionally intelligent have
the ability to curb cynical thoughts before they fall down the
proverbial rabbit hole. Instead, they rely on facts to come to
conclusions. For some, it’s a mere glance at their experience and
accomplishments outlined on their CVs; for others, it’s the appearance
of a clean and organized house, or an internal analysis of what they’ve
done right.
After all, emotionally intelligent people acknowledge that negative
thoughts are just that — thoughts — just as they recognize that the
derogatory interior voices they hear are theirs to turn down, tune out,
or silence completely.
7. They don’t dwell on the past.
People who exist more in their past than in their present are
susceptible to a barrage of mental and spiritual grievances, from regret
and nostalgia to agitation and trepidation. Emotionally intelligent
people honor their pasts — the people they have loved, the mistakes they
have made, the opportunities they’ve eschewed — but are mindful of the
importance of living squarely in the here and now.
By learning from the past (instead of dwelling on it), the
emotionally intelligent have the power to inform their present — without
diminishing their ability to advance or harness three of the most vital
emotions of all: Self-satisfaction, gratitude, and hope.
