Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society?
Here are five ways to get a real grip on the real thing.
In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many
variations (one of which is Shakespeare’s King Lear), an
elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love
him.
The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial
adoration, but the youngest says only “I love you as meat
loves salt.”
The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the
youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the
older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie.
He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter
is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the
daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt.
The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, and then bursts
into tears. “All along,” he cries, “It was my youngest
daughter who really loved me!” The daughter reveals
herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where
pretty much everybody dies).
This story survived throughout Europe for a very long time
because it is highly instructive: It reminds listeners that in
matters of love, choosing style over substance is disastrous.
It also helps us know when we’re making that mistake.
Salt is unique in that its taste doesn’t cover up the food it
seasons but enhances whatever flavor was there to begin
with. Real love, real commitment, does the same thing.
Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite
of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But
these are “meat loves salt” commitments, as necessary as
they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can
honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to
thrive.
One
“I can live without you, no problem.”
“I can’t live,” wails the singer, “if living is without you.” It
sounds so tragically deep to say that losing your lover’s
affections would make life unlivable —but have you ever
been in a relationship with someone whose survival truly
seemed to depend on your love?
Someone who sat around waiting for you to make life
bearable, who threatened to commit suicide if you ever
broke up? Or have you found yourself on the grasping side
of the equation, needing your partner the way you need
oxygen?
The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn’t love; it’s
desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it
invariably fails to meet either partner’s The statement “I
can’t survive without you” reflects not adult attraction but
infancy, a phase when we really would have died if our
caretakers hadn’t stayed close by, continuously anticipating
our needs.
The hunger for total nurturing usually means we’re in the
middle of a psychological regression, feeling like abandoned
infants who need parenting now, now, now! If this is how
you feel, don’t start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can
teach you how to get your needs met by the only person
responsible for them: you.
The “I can’t live without you” syndrome ends when we learn
to care for ourselves as tenderly and attentively as a good
mother. At that point, we’re ready to form stable, lasting
attachments that can last a lifetime. “I can live without you”
is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.
Two
“My love for you will definitely change.”
Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once
we’ve established some measure of comfort or stability, we
want to nail it in place so that there’s no possibility of loss.
It’s understandable, then, that the promise “My love for you
will never change” is a hot seller.
Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to
scuttle a relationship than shore it up. The reason is that
everything— and everyone— is constantly changing. We
age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight,
find new interests, and drop old ones. And when two
individuals are constantly in flux, their relationship must be
fluid to survive.
Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will
vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt
to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. Infatuation
relaxes into calm companionship, then flares again as we
see new things to love about each other.
In times of trouble and illness, obligation may feel stronger
than attraction— until one day we realize that hanging in
there through troubled times has bonded us more deeply
than ever before. Like running water, changing love finds its
way past obstacles . Freezing it in place makes it fragile,
rigid, and all too likely to shatter.
Three
“You’re not everything I need.”
I’m a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I’m puzzled by lovers
who claim that their romantic partner is the only person
they need in their lives or that time together is the only
activity necessary for emotional fulfillment.
Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and
constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from
one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by
eating only ice cream. When a couple believes “We must
fulfil all of each other’s needs,” each becomes exhausted by
the effort to be all things to the other and neither can
develop fully as an individual.
The hurt partners usually come in sounding something like
this: “How come you have to spend three hours a week
playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I’m
not enough to keep you happy?”
The healthiest response to such questions is “That’s right,
our relationship isn’t enough to make me completely happy
— and if I pretended it were, I’d stunt my soul and poison
my love for you.
Ever thought about what you’d like to do on your own?”
Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn’t strengthen a
relationship. Mutually supporting each other’s personal
growth does.
Four
“I won’t always hold you close.”
There’s a thin line between a romantic statement like “I love
you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do
us part” and the lunatic-fringe anthem “I love you so much
that if you try to leave me, I’ll kill you.”
People who say such things love others the way spiders love
flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing
fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish
moments. This is not the kind of love you want. The way you
can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness
and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas
true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or
her own choices.
How you use the word make is also a tip-off. When you hear
yourself saying “He makes me feel X” or “He made me do Y,”
you’re playing the victimized, trussed-up fly. Even more
telling are sentences like “I’ve got to make him see that he’s
wrong” or “I’ll hide what I really think because it would make
him angry.” You are not the victim but the crafty spider,
withholding and using manipulation to control your mate’s
feelings and actions.
Either strategy means that someone is being held too close,
wrapped in spider silk. Getting out of this sticky situation is
simple: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth. Begin by taking responsibility for your own choices—
including the choice to obey the spider man who may have
you in his thrall.
Then communicate your real feelings, needs, and desires to
your partner, without trying to force the reaction you want.
If your relationship can’t thrive in the clear light of honesty,
it is better to get out of it than to sink further into
manipulation and control.
Five
“You and I aren’t one.”
Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly but a chameleon
that morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date
chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your
personality. Either way, you’re not in a healthy relationship.
In fact, you’re not in a relationship at all.
I used to tune in so acutely to my loved ones’ wants and
needs that I literally didn’t know my own. This denial of self
ultimately turned into resentment, poisoning several close
relationships. Then— once burned, twice shy— I went
briefly to the opposite extreme.
I found myself having a lot of lackluster lunches with folks
who hung on my every word and agreed with everything I
said. Narcissistic I may be, but Narcissus I’m not; hanging
out with a human looking glass, no matter how flattering,
left me lonely.
If you’re accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to
see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to
dominate, you’ll find out how interesting it is to love an
actual person rather than a human mirror.
Buddha once said that just as we can know the ocean
because it always tastes of salt, we can recognize
enlightenment because it always tastes of freedom. There’s
no essential difference between real love and
enlightenment. While many people see commitment as a
trap, its healthy versions actually free both lovers, bring out
the flavor of their true selves, and build a love that is
satisfying, lasting, and altogether delicious.
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